"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" - Matthew 5:3

18 months ago, I led a bible study in our small group on this beatitude. As I spoke of my brokenness before God, it became apparent that there was a disconnect between me and my dear Christian friends. They seemed to be concerned for me and my low self esteem. I was even handed a book after the bible study on Christians and self esteem. I went home in tears, distressed that we seemed to be speaking a different language.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised at the disconnection. After all, our pastor had at one time preached that we as a people have now moved beyond “worm theology” as he gently mocked the hymn lyrics of Isaac Watts (“Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I”), and that God doesn’t want us flat on our faces before Him - didn’t He tell Joshua to “Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?” (Joshua 7:10).

The teaching in the church was on living a victorious Christian life. As a church we even went through Neil Anderson’s 7 Steps to Freedom in Christ so that we could live in victory. I went to work for the UK Director of the Freedom in Christ Ministry. I withered. Dark days.

Brokenness. When I became a Christian, I understood I had been forgiven my past sins through the death of Jesus on the cross. I now saw I had an opportunity to start afresh, to prove my love for God. Needless to say, I failed. Dark days. I recently looked back at a song I wrote during that time, and one lyric in particular stands out – “I can’t accept Your love when I have nothing to give”. Oh boy. I read that now and I can’t help but think was I saved then at all? I simply refused to believe that the love God had for me was on account of the love He has for His Son. I wanted God to love me because I deserved to be loved because of who I was. Proud, wicked heart! Thankfully God in His mercy took me and broke me. “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11). I can testify to the truth of this statement. I now see my absolute poverty of spirit, my moral bankruptcy before a holy God, and my absolute dependence on His mercy in Christ. Paradoxically, I have never felt more at rest in my soul than I do now. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

Recently, through the internet, I have come across other Christians who speak this same language. I was amazed the first time I heard Chris Rosebrough on his "Fighting for the Faith" radio programme. I had never heard another broken Christian speaking what was on my heart before. I cannot begin to describe the joy it brings me to hear of others share their brokenness before God too, which stems from their understanding of His holiness. It is so edifying to my walk when I hear this same language which resonates so deeply within:

“I love the Apostle Peter so much. My Christian journey has been like his in some ways: starting out with a zeal for God but no knowledge, being refined, being foolish, learning and being refined more, more foolishness, and finally knowing at the end that HE is God and I am small, insignificant, sinful and wretched. And sometimes all I can do is say, Lord, despite all my wretchedness, my sin, my foolishness, search my heart...and know that I love you” – Christine Blackerby Pack.

“The gospel only became "good news" after I first took a hard honest look at just how bad the bad news really was. Trust me, utter depravity is very bad news and substitutionary atonement is very good news.” – Elizabeth DeBarros.

“Whenever I start thinking too much about this world and myself, I think of all that Christ has done for me and I'm back on my knees begging forgiveness, humbled before God, with how weak and lost I am without Him.” – Ruth Szalapski Owen.

I thank God that He has brought me into contact with other saints who speak the same language as I do. I am truly edified, truly blessed, and so encouraged.

I need to finish with a song. I came across this Casting Crowns video last week, "Who Am I?" and it sums up completely the transformation in my views during my Christian journey:

"Not because of who I am but because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done but because of who You are...I am Yours."

Grace and Truth

I wrote on my Facebook page the other day about a recent trip to a tropical zoo, where it turned out that my 5-year old boy is much braver than me. He happily allowed tarantulas and scorpions to crawl on his hands whilst I backed quietly away into a corner. Someone commented they would have been screaming, to which I responded that well, I was screaming on the inside!

This reminded me of a song I wrote a few years ago whilst in the midst of depression. Being a depressed Christian is a lonely place to be. Depression is a monster which swallows up all hope, leaving behind a black cloud of despair which is suffocating and from which there appears to be no escape. Depression for the Christian is particularly difficult to deal with for it strikes at the very heart of your faith – for we worship the “God of hope” (Rom 15:13).

Anyway, in the song I was trying to express the painful struggle between trying to live up to Christian expectations of a victory-filled life because of God’s presence in my life, and the awful reality that in fact life was the pits. So the chorus said “I’m smiling, but I’m crying on the inside of me”. A later refrain cried out “You’d just think I was losing my faith if I told you it’s no help when I pray; You’d say that God works all things for our good, so you just thank Him now like you should”.

Things were made worse by our pastor encouraging people to testify during worship services of how God had worked in their lives that week, how He had answered prayer. Listening to people relaying how God had done this good thing or showed them that good thing just reinforced my belief I was a failure as a Christian. I needed to hear, but never did, that someone else’s life was the pits, but they still maintained a hope in the Living God because of what Jesus Christ had done for them by dying for their sins and providing forgiveness for those sins and enabling them to be reconciled to God.

Thank God He delivered me from this depression. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Thank God that through all the soul searching of those days, I believe it led me to discover the freedom of the true grace of the gospel, that our performance for God is not what counts – it is the life of His Beloved Son that counts!

This recent discovery has led me on a search to understand the truth of the Bible much better, and I have spent a lot of time looking at false teachings to root them out from my thinking and ensure my mind is transformed by God’s word. All good...

Yet I have recently been brought up short by a lack of compassion and graciousness in my thinking (incidentally in an interaction where in response to my accusation, grace was returned to me). In my desire to hold on to truth, I have become critical and judgemental of others holding to different beliefs. I fear that in my zealousness for truth, I have lost sight of compassion and grace – qualities which God taught me so much about my need for through my depression. How ironic.

“Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” – John 1:17. This is my scripture verse for now.

A Child of God

Creator of the World,
He named the stars one by one;
He sits enthroned above the earth;
Yet He stooped to save,
And I catch my breath, amazed –
Can I really be a child of God?

Chorus:
A child of God in His Kingdom?
A child of God – can it be true?
How great the love the Father lavished on us
That we should be called children of God.

Dead in my transgressions,
Without hope in the world,
Living as an enemy of God;
Now I’m saved by grace
And I catch my breath, amazed –
Can I really be a child of God?

Now we’re heirs of God,
Raised and seated in Christ,
The riches of His grace still to come;
And every single day
I still catch my breath, amazed –
Can I really be a child of God?

When I Asked To See Your Glory

I didn’t understand, Lord, when I asked to see Your glory
That just a tiny glimpse would unsettle me deep within,
For as I start to see Your Holiness and the worship due to You
I cry out with Peter “Depart, Lord, For I am a sinful man”.

I didn’t understand, Lord, when I asked to see Your glory
How ensnared I had become in the world in which I live;
I had no sleepless nights that Your Name was not honoured,
I wasn’t on my knees crying out “Lord, please forgive!”

I didn’t understand, Lord, when I asked to see Your glory
That Your mercy towards us would be harder to understand;
Even the whole of creation groans, frustrated by our sin,
Yet still You continue to hold out Your hands.

I didn’t understand, Lord, when I asked to see Your glory
That it would leave me forever fallen on my knees;
For You have taken this sinner and blotted out my sin,
Clothed in righteousness, adopted - O Lord, what mystery!

I didn’t understand, Lord, when I asked to see Your glory
That a tiny glimpse would leave me hungering for more,
O for that day to come when we’ll see You revealed in blazing fire,
To see Your face, fall at Your feet, and worship evermore!

On Bearing the Name of God

Reflecting on the amazing grace of God, this video sums up so much of what God has done for us in Christ:



Truly amazing, that Christ has taken me from rebel to child of God!

Yet...I have been studying the name of God in the scriptures, and I see the awesomeness of what it means to bear His Name as His child. For "you have exalted above all things your name and your word" (Psalm 138:2). God's Name is supreme, and He does all things to bring glory to His Name.

His dealings with His people Israel were on this basis: "You will know that I am the LORD, when I deal with you for my name’s sake and not according to your evil ways and your corrupt practices, O house of Israel, declares the Sovereign LORD." (Ezekiel 20:44).

His purposes through the church are the same - "so that the name of the Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Thess 1:12).

This means that those who bear His Name must live lives worthy of that Name. Does that not give us cause to pause and tremble? Especially when the third of the Ten Commandments is not to misuse His Name. Speaking to the Israelites after redeeming them from slavery in Egypt, God reminds His people shortly before they enter the promised land “If you do not carefully follow all the words of this law, which are written in this book, and do not revere this glorious and awesome name – the LORD your God – the LORD will send fearful plagues on you and your descendants, harsh and prolonged disasters, and severe and lingering illnesses.” (Dt 28:58-59). Paul commands “All those who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect, so that God’s name and our teaching may not be slandered” (1 Timothy 6:1). Surely the worst thing I could possibly do now that I bear the Name of My God would be to do anything which would cause that Holy Name to be blasphemed?

This almost feels like a burden too heavy to bear. For even though I may be on the narrow path, I do trip, I do stumble, and during those times of tripping and stumbling I am not honouring His Name. Even if my outward actions may not always betray me, I know my thoughts and attitudes do, and the Holy light of God's Word reveals those thoughts and attitudes to be the darkness that they are. Yet Jesus promises that His yoke is easy and that His burden is light.

My hope has to come from Him. Paul tells the Philippian believers to "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose" (Phil 2:12-13). Let's fear and tremble at the awesomeness of this Name we now bear, and as we work out our salvation by reading His word, praying at the throne of grace, fellowshipping with other children of God, and sharing in the Lord's Supper to remind of us the One who bought us with His blood,then He promises to change the very desires of our hearts to walk in His ways.

I can only live this way by daily repenting, daily casting myself onto His mercy, daily acknowledging my helplessness, daily seeking His grace. This song captures this so well:

I am Barabbas!

I wonder if like me you’ve heard the story of the trial of Jesus before Pilate many times, especially at Easter time. After questioning Jesus, Pilate offers to release one of two prisoners, depending on the choice of the crowd. The crowd choose Barabbas instead of Jesus, and Jesus is sent away to be crucified.

Previously when I’ve heard this story I’ve been struck by the unfairness of it, but thought no more of it. This year, I happened to be watching one of the film dramatizations of the life of Jesus Christ and it suddenly hit me – I am Barabbas!

John’s gospel tells us “Now Barabbas had taken part in a rebellion” (John 18:40). I believe Barabbas was one of the zealots who was fighting against the Roman occupation of the land of Israel, and had led an uprising against the Roman rulers. I have also taken part in a rebellion – a rebellion against the Creator God who made me for His glory – but against whose rule I rebelled and instead chose my own way. This rebellion against my God is a much more heinous crime than a rebellion against civil authorities, and deserves to be punished – by death, “for the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). Not just physical death, but eternal death, eternal separation from God.
Barabbas was in prison awaiting his death sentence. Jesus was then brought before Pilate. After being examined by the governor, Pilate declares of Jesus “I find no basis for a charge against this man; He has done nothing to deserve death”. (Luke 23:4; 15). He is declared innocent before Pilate. Moreover, He is declared innocent before God the Father – who says of Him “This is my Son whom I love, with Him I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17). He had no sin in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Yet Pilate does something strange. This is a clear-cut case, with one guilty prisoner, one innocent prisoner; in terms of determining the sentences this is a no-brainer, we might say. Instead, “It was the custom at the Feast to release a prisoner whom the people requested.” (Mark 15:6). Pilate tells the crowd he will release Jesus. But “with one voice they cried out ‘Away with this man! Release Barabbas to us!’...Wanting to release Jesus, Pilate appealed to them again. But they kept shouting ‘Crucify him! Crucify him!’...So Pilate decided to grant their demand. He released the man who had been thrown into prison for insurrection and murder, the one they asked for, and surrendered Jesus to their will” (Luke 23:18;20-21;24-25).

The innocent party is sent to be crucified; the guilty party is pardoned and set free.

Can the gospel message be any clearer? “For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God” (1 Peter 3:18). The wrath of the Father against the sin of mankind was satisfied by the death of His Son, and is proven by His resurrection from the dead. In exchange for the life of sinful Barabbas, the sinless Jesus Christ was crucified. In exchange for my sinful life, the sinless Jesus Christ was crucified. In exchange for all of our sinful lives, the sinless Jesus Christ was crucified.

In order to appropriate this amazing, awesome gift, to be pardoned and to be set free “We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20). Repent and believe that Jesus Christ died for your sin, that you too might be forgiven and set free.

Hung parliament

The British people have spoken. We have a hung parliament, as no one party wins enough votes to gain a majority in government. We continue to wait and watch as political deals and manoeuvrings take place to determine our future government. All this in a time of economic meltdown when decisive leadership is required.

I believe one reason this has occurred is because there is now no clear difference between the 3 main political parties. They all seem to have converged onto middle ground. The conservatives felt they had to move to the left to remove their ‘nasty party’ tag. They felt they had to offer the electorate something more palatable in order to gain power. That strategy has backfired spectacularly.

I believe the same thing is happening within the church. In order to increase numbers in the church, the gospel is watered down to something more palatable – ‘come to Jesus Christ and fulfil your potential in life’, rather than the orthodox Christian faith which slays the sinner, states that our good works are as filthy rags, and instead we need to come to God as spiritual beggars to be clothed in the righteousness of Christ by faith.

Yet the leaders of the church cannot alone be blamed for changing the message. Jeremiah faced the same problem with Israel: “A horrible and shocking thing has happened in the land: The prophets prophesy lies, the priests rule by their own authority, and my people love it this way.” (Jer 5:30-31). And Paul prophesies the same thing will happen to the church: “For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear” (2 Tim 4:3). I believe God is giving us over to what we want – the British people an impotent government because firm convictions and principled politics are no longer acceptable, and the church an impotent gospel message unable to bring salvation due to the pursuit of entertaining sermons and psychobabble.

May God have mercy on this land.